So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
Randomize
