dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
