I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
Randomize
