every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Randomize
