There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
