checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
Miscalculate d the jungle juice, it's actually 10%. Can't taste the diff anyway but my stomcha is warm. Come play pongm.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
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