Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
How do the freshmen here NOT understand the tricks we are playing on them by now? Doesn't bode well for grad numbers. Idiots.
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
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