I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
Randomize
