my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
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