Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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