You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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