I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
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