who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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