he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
Randomize
