I don't know what you were told but i for sure didn't sleep with any one but steve's couch.
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
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