She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
Sex in the backyard? Check.
Randomize
