If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Randomize
