You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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