i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
