its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
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