i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
Randomize
