My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Randomize
