the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
My Higher Power is John Stamos
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Randomize