I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize
