New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
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