During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
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