I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
Randomize
