Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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