i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
