Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Randomize
