I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Randomize
