I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
Randomize
