got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
Semen is not good for contacts.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
kool aid jammers and 151...our childhood has officially been corrupted.
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
