my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
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