hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
