Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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