My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
We're like a dynamic duo.
Bisexual and Proud, Lesbian and Loud.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
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