so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Randomize
