listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
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