you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Randomize
