i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
Semen is not good for contacts.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Randomize
