it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
Your penis caused this!
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
