my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Randomize
