I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
