God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
This is davidson friend mat i an drunk. Thank you for having a physical relationship. With David. I bet he gas a penis the size of an elephant tusk. You are a lucky lady.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
