I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
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