Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
This girl is drinking wine and watching grey's anatomy in the library during finals week. I hate comm majors.
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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