before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
Yes because finding a guy to give head to is pretty difficult.
I mean not really
Obviously that's why it was a joke you are so stupid it's impossible.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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