I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize
