The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
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