The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
Randomize
