I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
a search helicopter?!
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
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