We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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