I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
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