did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
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