doesn't he have a GF?
that just means you have to try harder.
i didn't have to try TOO hard, just told him i didn't want to know his name or...
somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
