He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
