God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Randomize
