Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
Randomize
